The last of the three entries I said I’d get out this week, my friends. While the previous entry was more specific, this one is quite a bit shorter and more contemplative (and melancholy, I suppose). It’ll a general description of not just my academic progress, but my general feelings on the college experience “again” so far.
See, here’s the thing. Re-read this entry for why I wanted to go back to college. I’ll quote the most important paragraph from it:
I’m bored…so why aren’t I doing anything about it? If I no longer have to fear failure in anything that’s important to me, why not challenge myself with something new, just to see how far I can get? The ‘something new’ is the important thing…as you know, I’ve been in the history biz for quite some time, ever since I was in high school, then college, then grad school–so just over half of my 30+ years on Earth! It’s been good to me, sure, but if it isn’t exciting me like it used to, and if I can afford to change my orientation, why not give something else a shot? It’s not as if getting some new skills will make me less employable, quite the contrary in fact; a jack of all trades might be a master of none, but if you’re already a ‘master’ in one subject, acquiring competency in another one, especially one that’s widely used, can be pretty useful.
Well, after a year back in college, I can definitely say I’m being challenged, but…I don’t really find it especially enjoyable. I don’t derive any more satisfaction in managing to pass my classes than I did doing anything else, even though keeping up with math and compsci is as hard as anything I’ve done in the past few years. The closest thing to the joy I’ve wanted to feel was after I finished my last exams, even though I didn’t do so well, because then I could finally enjoy the simple things like playing games or getting takeout without worrying about a test or homework or whatnot hanging over my head. So it seems like some sort of ‘challenge’ isn’t really what I need to escape any sense of ennui.
I dunno. Maybe it’s not challenge I need after all. Maybe I should just accept that being “reasonably content” is the most I can hope for. That’s pretty damn good, right? You’re lucky than the vast majority of people if you’re happy rather than miserable, considering how tough most of the world has it. If that’s the case, then getting a reasonably non-stressful job that will allow me to pay the bills and eat out every now and then is good enough. Hell, not even that, passive income, freelancing, anything at all, not just a 9-to-5 job, that keeps me comfy is good enough. It may not be all that much to hope for, but I think it’s more than enough.
But still, even so, money is a necessity, and getting a degree in compsci probably wouldn’t hurt in either freelancing or finding a job. Guess I might as well stick with it, in that case, unless I start making some real money, like a ton, somehow. That’s a possibility, but not an especially likely one. So until then, I’ll just be continuing with my studies…just wanted to get this entry out to put in writing some things to ponder and consider. See ya next time, friends.