Gunlord’s Guide to Surviving in the Aliens Expanded Universe

This past week has been horrid for me, my friends–despite it being a lovely summer, I somehow managed to come down with a cold! Fortunately I’m feeling better, but I was really out of it for the past few days, and I could barely even get out of bed to turn on my computer! What I could do, though, was read, and read quite a lot. I ended up going through all 6 volumes of the Dark Horse Comics Aliens Omnibus collection.

I generally enjoyed them, though some were better than others (my personal favorite was Salvation, from Mike Mignola of Hellboy fame). I have to admit, though, they often got a bit…shall we say…repetitive at times. Thus, here’s a set of rules I’ve came up with that should serve you pretty much invariably well if you ever ended up in the Aliens expanded universe:

1: Every single derelict ship in space, anywhere, always has at least one Xenomorph on board. If a ship seems to be abandoned or doesn’t respond to your hailing right away, nuke it immediately.

2: Every single barren planet in the galaxy, no matter how remote, always has a hive of Xenomorphs on it. If there seems to be no human habitation on any given world, nuke it immediately.

3: Related to rule #2: Starships are incredibly fragile. Anything more than a slight breeze will send your shuttle crashing to the ground and strand you on the planet, where you will be eaten because any world with even slightly inclement weather is full of Xenomorphs. If you encounter a planet, do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to land. Instead, nuke it immediately.

4: Any Xenomorph infestation, no matter where, will always exceed your capability to handle it. If you only have civilians with you, you’ll face only one Alien, but you won’t have any weapons with which to kill it. If you have a platoon of Colonial Marines with you, the Aliens will outnumber them a million to one and your hard-bitten (and multicultural) men (and women) will run out of ammo. If you have super-high tech acid resistant armor and infinite-use plasma cannons, the Aliens will outnumber you a billion to one and overload your defenses. The only way to really stop an infestation is to nuke it immediately.

5: Any large corporation, no matter what it makes, is always evil, up to no good, and conducting experiments with Xenomorphs that will kill you. If you encounter any representative of Weyland-Yutani or any other company, nuke him/her/it immediately.

6: There is absolutely no way to safely contain a Xenomorph-they will always escape, one way or another. Under no circumstance should you attempt to study them or even dissect them. Instead, nuke them immediately.

7: If you have no nukes, call in Herk Mondo. He’s just as good.

Those were all I could think of–Feel free to add your own rules in the comments! XD

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